by NeONBRAND

Evangelical Penis Caught Having Sex With A Man

For the back story on the tale of a man’s penis finding God and going rogue check out these stories:

Part 1 Genesis ; Part 2: Therapy Penis; Part 3 Street Preacher Penis

Brian Longfellow’s man cave featured everything he ever dreamed of. The insanely large TV hung on the basement wall, boldly proclaiming, “I succeeded in adulting, and this is my prize!” The flat-screen supposedly emitted more colors than mere mortal men could discern as well as those only observable by bees. He told his friends who visited this so that they could bee yellow with envy.

The chair he sat in to observe every touchdown and interception possible during football season had to match the magnificence of the television. Brian had poured over online reviews and Consumer Reports. Finally, he decided on the Couch Tater 3000. The Couch Tater 3000 was a marvel of technology. When his hiney got cold, Brian could turn on the warmer embedded in the chair. And, yes, if he was too warm, the chair’s state of the art cooling system made sure he didn’t sit in butt sweat.

Of course, there were other elements to his personal testosterone heaven. There was the pop-a-shot home basketball game in the corner. In another corner sat one of those arcade games that boasted hundreds of old school titles like Lethal Death COMBAT, Basketball Marmalade with JAM, and Death Future Robot with a Heart of Gold.

At that particular moment, Brian relaxed on his throne. Beer in hand, he was ready to relax after a long day at work.

Work is work and play, play. However, before playing his Nintendo Switch, Brian wanted to take a gander at the local news. Being an adult means taking responsibility. Responsibility means knowing how hot the world happens to be burning at that particular moment.

The evening news featured Emma Bishop and her cohost Alex Hall. She was the graduate of a prestigious New England university. Word on the street said Alex was the son of some big shot at the local station.

“Our first story may not be appropriate for younger viewers,” Emma ventured. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

While she was having difficulty, Alex was trying to contain a ten-mile long frat boy smile. “Oh, yeah,” he added, “kids shouldn’t be watching OR listening to this.”

Brian’s eyes widened. They didn’t unwiden for a loooooong time.

The camera focused on Emma. Directly to her right was a pic of Brian’s penis. It was a mugshot of his phallus.

“A local evangelical leader was arrested today for soliciting sex in the men’s room of a popular Chik-fil-A.”

This. Could. Not. Be. Happening.

“For weeks customers complained to authorities men were ‘hooking up’ in the stalls. Law enforcement proceeded to launch a sting operation.” Her eyes locked on the camera. She was desperately trying not to pay attention to whatever Alex was doing off camera.

“It’s a dick pic!” he giggled.

“This individual is an elder at Warren Avenue Baptist Church. News Center 12 asked an active member of the congregation what they knew about this penis.”

Footage of an interview with a 50-ish woman in a winter jacket played. The fake fur of the hood formed a halo around her face.

“He loves Jesus and supports our community. Just last week, he gave the sermon how natural marriage is between one man and one woman,” she said. “Are you sure you have the right penis?”

Brian took a big gulp out of his beer. Ever since the street preaching incident, the penis barely talked to him or Janet, his wife. He was afraid the penis was spiraling out of control. This confirmed his deepest fears.

Back to the studio, Alex kept as straight a face as possible.

“Sources report the penis agreed to plea guilty to disorderly conduct. His lawyer released a statement from the penis.”

A statement? Brian wondered.

Alex took a deep breath. “My client wants you all to know he is not gay. Nor has he ever been in anyone’s butt. Any talk of his pics on Snapchat are rumors. He pleads guilty only to put this unfortunate incident behind him.”

And with that, the camera focused on Emma and the kitty that got stuck up a tree.

But you could still hear the muffled giggles of her cohost.

I’m a comedy writer, podcaster, YouTuber, and activist. Millions have read my material and laughed. Support my work on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AndrewHa

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