Boston, MA — Brian Longfellow, a 44-year-old husband and father of three, recently came to the realization that his penis converted to fundamentalist Christianity and is now a proud member of the local Southern Baptist church.
The recent turn of events came as a surprise to Mr. Longfellow, who grew up in a rather casual liberal Christian and we try to ignore a lot of the Bible family. A large emphasis was placed on Gentle Jesus and not a whole lot on the Cut your hand off if it sins against you Messiah.
“Looking back on the last few months, I guess all the signs were there. I was just blind to them,” he stated. At first Mr. Longfellow ignored the weekly bulletins from Warren Avenue Baptist Church that his penis left around the house. Then, strangers would show up at his front door on Wednesday nights at 6:30 carrying Bibles. His penis would tell him that they were new friends and had come over to play Monopoly. The cries of Amen! and Hallelujah! from his basement should have tipped Mr. Longfellow off that people were not celebrating the crushing of their economic opponents.
The revelation came during the most recent family meeting.
Ms. Karen Longfellow, matriarch of the Longfellow clan, announced someone was writing checks to the aforementioned church, and the amounts came to ten percent of the household income. At that point Mr. Longfellow’s penis confessed he had been secretly tithing. He defended himself by stating he was only answerable to God, and HE wanted ten percent of the family’s gross income. HE is an almighty God, and ten percent net income simply isn’t good enough.
“Jesus said he came to drive a sword between man and wife, parent and child,” the penis stated. “Christians have to be ready to be persecuted for their beliefs.”
Mr. and Ms. Longfellow and Mr. Longfellow’s penis have since started marriage therapy. Their therapist has a Ph.D. in psychology from New York University, and has been practicing for decades. However, the future is dark for the three of them. It was when the trio first sat down in Dr. Laitman’s office when the penis questioned whether or not Jesus would be in marriage therapy when the therapist is a Jew. When challenged on the point that Jesus was indeed Jewish, the penis shot back, “Yeah, but he was a Jew for Jesus.”
Mr. Longfellow was shocked when a friend on Facebook sent him a video of Mr. Longfellow’s penis on Right Wing Watch. His penis was declaring the United States was on the brink of disaster because God’s only son, Donald Trump, was getting impeached. “I don’t know what to do,” the middle-aged father stated. “It’s getting scary. There are times I fall asleep in front of the TV, and I wake up and the channel has been changed to FOX News. I check my smartphone, and it looks like my penis really likes gay porn.”
Mr. Longfellow and his family and friends plan to do an intervention on the penis. They are hoping to convince the penis that becoming a Unitarian Universalist is a reasonable choice.