Santa Claus invades Antarctica
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Santa Claus invaded Antarctica earlier today. Father Christmas led a force of elves, reindeer, polar bears, and Krampusi. They seized vital points of the 5,500,000 square mile landmass. The attack from the North Pole was augmented by a massive rebellion of penguins who call the coldest continent home.
Several nations have research facilities in Antarctica. Santa’s Special Forces (SSF) descended on them just before dawn. The SSF made sure the humans were unarmed and informed them they were now in the newly declared Santa Free State (SFS). No one was injured except for one elf who took too many liberties with a Russian geologist’s vodka. The elf sustained non-life-threatening injuries and should be back to making toys for good little boys and girls shortly.
The Jolly Old Elf addressed the world from his temporary command center at the South Pole. He informed the world that politicians, oligarchs, and the fossil fuel industry forced his hand. An agitated Santa pointed out the North Pole is melting at an astonishing rate. He and his people were not going to wait until they were stuck on rafts in the Arctic.
Polar ice caps are melting as global warming causes climate change. We lose Arctic sea ice at a rate of almost 13% per decade, and over the past 30 years, the oldest and thickest ice in the Arctic has declined by a stunning 95%
Santa made it clear he and his allies claimed all of Antarctica. Those scientists already there were welcomed to continue their research. However, any military assault on the Santa Free State would mean the aggressor’s entire country would be placed on the naughty list.
The Security Council of the United Nations called an emergency meeting. While no one likes the power grab by Saint Nick, no nation is crazy enough to face the power of the holiday season’s military-industrial complex.
