UPDATE: As previously reported, Brian Longfellow’s once agnostic penis recently converted and became Southern Baptist. The penis’ change of heart created tensions in the family by secretly tithing and appearing on Right Wing Watch for predicting disaster for America due to sexy, dirty sin.

Brian, Janet, his wife, along with Dr. Laitman, the couple’s marriage therapist, orchestrated an intervention. They all hoped to catch the penis off guard and confront him on his unacceptable behavior while still sending the message that everyone only wants him to get better. However, the penis took the opportunity to tell all who were present that God had spoken to…