UPDATE: As previously reported, Brian Longfellow’s once agnostic penis recently converted and became Southern Baptist. The penis’ change of heart created tensions in the family by secretly tithing and appearing on Right Wing Watch for predicting disaster for America due to sexy, dirty sin.
Brian, Janet, his wife, along with Dr. Laitman, the couple’s marriage therapist, orchestrated an intervention. They all hoped to catch the penis off guard and confront him on his unacceptable behavior while still sending the message that everyone only wants him to get better. However, the penis took the opportunity to tell all who were present that God had spoken to him, and that he had joined the Quiverfull movement.
“At first I thought it had something to do with The Hunger Games. I wish it did,” stated Ms Longfellow.
Seeing that no one else at the intervention knew what the Quiverfull movement is, the penis preceded with informing the heathen that God had a plan for the family, and that plan could be found in Psalm 127:
Children are a heritage from the Lord, offering a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
The penis translated the inerrant word of God to mean that the Almighty wanted the penis to have as many Christian babies as possible in order to fill the quiver of future Republican voters. The days of birth control were over. No longer would the penis wear the contraceptive raincoat of shame. His secular seed had been transformed by God into scores upon scores of reproductive kernels to fight Satan. Ms Longfellow’s womb would overflow with blessings — baby blessings with names like Ezekiel, Abraham, Ruth, Timothy, Joshua, Peter, Mary, David, Andrew, Mathew, Mark, Luke, John, and Acts. The Almighty would determine how many baby blessings the Longfellows would have and not Trojan, Durex, or Lifestyle.
Janet calmly told the penis that her uterus was not going to supply 90% of the voters for the Iowa Republican Straw Poll in 2046.
“It’s not your womb, woman. It’s Jesus’ workshop to make babies,” the penis retorted.
Dr Laitman suggested that arguing about reproductive manifest destiny was changing the subject, and that the behavior of Brian’s penis was really the issue at hand. Brian Longfellow urged all present to refer to his member as the penis and not his penis. While his wife agreed, she stated in no uncertain language that there was no way that she was going to have sex with that dick.
After the intervention the penis invited Brian and Janet to go to church with him next Sunday. After all, the two hadn’t gone to a service, and they may enjoy the Christ-centered community. The three of them could enjoy the sermon together. The big incentive to going was that someone they all knew belonged to the choir and that someone was going to get to sing a solo.
“You probably think I’m a Baritone, but I’m actually a Tenor,” the penis revealed.
Brian and Janet reluctantly agreed to attend. Even though they may not agree with the penis on everything, they felt the need to respect his dickish beliefs.
Boy, was that a bad idea
To be continued…